The Blog of Eternal Stench

Shat-Mobile

2004-08-03T19:48:00.000-05:00

The upcoming Batman movie directed by Christopher Nolan (Memento) and adapted by David Goyer (Dark City) looks pretty good (although Batman is more about vengeance than revenge).

But the new Batmobile looks like total shit.

Here's a video of it in action.

This is ridiculous. It's not a street vehicle. You can see it go up on two wheels on a turn near the end of the video. It's incredibly conspicuous and way too big and unmaneuverable.

One of the keys to a successful superhero movie is to make the ancillary details and structures as realistic as possible. If the characters would look ridiculous in yellow spandex costumes, then you change them. If it's not believable that a high school student would invent a revolutionary adhesive in his bedroom, make it organic.

Whoever decided to borrow the Batmobile design from "The Dark Knight Returns" failed in this regard. That story is set in a completely different environment.

Hopefully the Bargemobile will not be a large part of the movie.

They Say This One Has a Surprise Ending

2004-08-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

Put the mouse over spoilers to view.

Unbreakable
As much as I like this movie, the ending could've been way better, even though this was the only surprise ending of Shyamalan's that actually worked, and of his movies this one was the most tightly written.

Actual ending:
Mr. Glass is a bad guy. Surprise!
Better ending:
No surprise at all. Just a normal ending. Which would, in fact, be a surprise ending, since everyone was expecting a surprise ending. (Did I just blow your mind? It's ok if I did.) What is a surprise ending if not the confounding of expectations?

Instead, Mister I-Named-Myself-'Night'-Because-I'm-So-Cool had to go and use the same formula he used for The Sixth Sense, and by doing so, doomed himself to being a gimmick.

The Matrix Saga
Viewing the trilogy as one story, Revolutions is the third act.
Actual ending:

Nothing is done with the numerous things set up in Reloaded. The Merovingian appears for 30 seconds, even though the Merovingians were supposed to have descended from Christ and he "used to be like Neo." The Ghost Twins don't appear at all. The wooden spoon? Pointless. The Matrix's cycle? Pointless. The Kid? Pointless.

Suddenly Smith is more powerful than Neo, despite the fact that Neo is supposed to be the supreme being in the matrix. The explanation for Reloaded's ending, where Neo has powers in the real world is utterly unsatisfying. There is no surprise or twist or anything. We get an hour of fighting in Zion.

I could go on, but I won't...it would take a while.

Better ending:

They should've used what they set up in Reloaded. Do something with the Merovingian and the Kid and the wooden spoon and the Twins and all the rest. Address the issue of a multi-level matrix (see: eXistEnZ). Give a better reason for why Neo was able to stop the sentinels. God damn it.

Signs
This is where Shyamalan gave up and started pandering after the disappointing box office receipts from Unbreakable.

Actual ending:
It is discovered that the aliens's weakness is water and that God saves the family.

Better ending:
Ignoring the fact the God's intervention makes the movie incoherent, it would have been much better if the aliens's weakness was not water, because that is stupid. They would have been sustaining damage simply from being in our atmosphere, which they didn't seem to have trouble breathing. So make the weakness something else; I suggest soda. This works better for 3 reasons: 1) there is no soda in our atmosphere, it does not fall from the sky regularly, it is not present in every living thing on the planet; 2) soda is acidic; 3) it would add a nice tweak to the line that the crop circles were a hoax to sell soda.

AI: Artificial Intelligence

Actual ending:
Spielberg tacks on a ridiculous ending involving aliens and an ice age. You know, because he's a better filmmaker than Stanley Kubrick.

Better ending:
Like Becca said, stop at the Ferris Wheel/Blue Fairy scene.

Gattaca

Actual ending:
Jerome overcomes all odds and makes it into space.

Better ending:
He has a heart attack and dies during the extreme stress of space flight. Because that's what happens when people with heart defects lie and cheat to do things they shouldn't.

Don't you worry about blank, let me worry about blank.

2004-07-22T09:42:00.001-05:00

May contain spoilers, highlight text to read it.

Jurassic Park 2.

Actual ending: T-rex is taken back to the US and goes on a rampage through the streets.

What I woud have changed: Somebody should have said "Whoa, what the FUCK are we doing? Cut this shit out. The movie already kind of blows."

AI

Actual ending: The little kid meets up with an Alien after an ice age that miraculously occurred in like 2 days.

What I would have changed: Cut it at the ferris wheel scene.

The Game

Actual ending: "Oh, this was all a practical joke? Wow, I had an epiphone! Thanks so much!"

What I would have changed: "You guys made me jump off of a building. What the fuck? You're all assholes."

I can't think of anymore at the current moment.

Endings Schmendings

2004-07-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

Next Poll:

This is a weird one, but bare (bear?) with me.

Top Five Movies that You Wish Ended Differently.

Name the movie, the real ending, and the ending you wanted to see.

No pictures necessary on this one (everytime I load the blog on my laptop it starts to whine from all of the work it has to do to load them).

Suckers Go Flying, Their Insides All Torn Out

2004-07-13T23:42:00.000-05:00

I stuck to mano-a-mano fights, and only one from each movie.

Put your cursor over each image for a slideshow. (Except Enter the Dragon.)

Neo vs. Agent Smith - The Matrix

Every action movie since 1999 is heavily indebted to The Matrix. Awesome scene. Awesome to the Max....Mr. Anderson.

Roddy Piper vs. Goliath - They Live

This scene lasts about 6 minutes. That's a very long time for a street fight. It looks like it's over several times, but then BAM! body slam into the pavement. Lesser men would be dead--but not Roddy and Goliath. They want more. It's great.

It's so great that it was used shot-for-shot in the cripple fight on South Park, which you can download here.

Jet Li vs. General Asshole - Fist of Legend

Becca already mentioned the blindfold fight, so I'll take this one.

Bruce Lee vs. Crazy Bear Claw Guy - Enter the Dragon

Come on, it's Bruce Lee, bitches! WAAAAAAAAAA!

Jack vs. Tyler Durden - Fight Club

I am Jack's ass getting kicked. Well, not really. I'm not an ass :(

Do you like my fancy slideshows? I made them just for you.

I killed a guy with a trident.

2004-07-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

Anchorman is pretty funny.

Wanna fight about it?

2004-07-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

The Battle of Hoth : The Empire Strikes Back

I like snow.

Connor MacManus/Murphy MacManus vs. Il Duce : The Boondock Saints

There was a firefight!

William Wallace and Co. vs. the English Army : Braveheart

Jet Li vs. Some Dude : The Blindfold Scene, Fist of Legend

Aragorn and Co. vs. a fuckload of orcs : The Two Towers

Worth mentioning again.

Where's the pain?

2004-07-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

Since I don't really like/watch/see fight and action movies (like Equilibrium and those ones with all the asians running around), you won't find any classic fight movie scenes on my list. These are mostly movies from other genres that happen to have awesome fight scenes in them.

1. Ash vs. His Own Freakin' Hand - Evil Dead 2

2. The Battle for Helms Deep - The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Is this disqualified because it's a "battle" and not a "fight?" You know what, I don't care. I think it's spectacular and one of the reasons why the third installment didn't wow me was because the many, many battle scenes in it failed to be anywhere near as great as this one. Look at him, ain't he wet?

3. Indiana shoots swordsman with ease after the guy spends a good 5 minutes just showing off with his free-wielding sword - Raiders of the Lost Ark

Oh that's rich.

4. My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die. - Princess Bride

5. The "Beat It" Dance-Off Sequence - Zoolander

Don't hate.

Put up your dukes

2004-07-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

Guess it's my turn, huh?

Ok, top 5 fight scenes.

Seafood is Always Bad News

2004-07-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

A pretty cool short CG film:

The Pier (16.7mb).

Another short:

The Cat With Hands (quicktime, 6.16mb).

I Hate You Both

2004-07-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

1. The Godfather

I don't know if I was tired when I saw this or what, but I don't get what's so god-fuckingly great about it. Goodfellas is the superior mob movie.

2. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

I didn't think the books were awesome, either. Both sets are entertaining, just not incredible.

3. Requiem for a Dream

Jennifer Connelly is very hot in this movie except when she's blowing Goliath and puking into the Snorri cam. Also not when her skeleton is showing. Great music, too, thanks to Pop Will Eat Itself's Clint Mansell. And it's technically very good, but the actual content is lacking. I don't really give a shit about what happens to a bunch of junkies who steal from their mothers. Fuck 'em.

4. Lola rennt

A whole lot of running. With techno. Not much else.

5. Traffic

Thoroughly mediocre.

We should've done 10 instead of 5.

(Did you notice that I avoided both American Beauty and Braveheart? That's because I'm a better person than you guys.)

Nonsense

2004-07-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

1. The Matrix

Mark, you knew this was coming.

2. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

How bout you give the Oscar to one of the two movies in the trilogy that didn't freaking suck.

3. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

It's going to take a lot more than a goofy looking alien with a lightbulb for a finger to warm this cold heart.

4. All French New Wave Films

Who was it exactly that declared these movies BRILLIANT and forced all institutions to teach them as such accordingly? One more reason why the French suck.

5. The Big Lebowski

This movie has about 6 really, really funny moments in it. Along with Reservoir Dogs, it must be the most popular poster that douchebags have tacked up in their dorm rooms.

It sold like gothcakes.

2004-07-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

I think this list is going to make me come off as an asshole. Oh well.

Hiroshima, Mon Amour

Strike

I fell asleep.

Titanic

The best part of this movie is the guy falling and smacking the railing on the way down.

Unbreakable

I just put this one here to piss Mark off.

Citizen Kane

When We Get to Yemen, Can I Stay with You?

2004-07-08T21:59:00.000-05:00

I've been told it's my turn to think of a poll, so here it is: What are the 5 most overrated movies?

Good? Bad? I'm the Guy with the Gun.

2004-07-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

Hannibal Lechter - Silence of the Lambs

He eats people, like 10 every day.

Agent Smith - The Matrix

According to him, humans==disease. Is that not cool?

Satan - The Devil's Advocate

Money. Power. Freaky demon bitches with their tits out. He's got it all.

Harry Lime - The Third Man

A bit more realistic, but still cool.

Darth Vader - Star Wars

What's a nubian?

I feel like I'm missing a really awesome villain, but I can't remember who.

Down with Good Guys

2004-07-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

1. Veruca Salt - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

What's wrong with wanting a golden goose? She was so much more fun than the rest of the golden ticket pussy group.

2. The Joker - Batman

Batman is way too serious with his whole "I have to fight crime" mentality. The Joker is the one you really want on your side (or at least on your poker team).

3. Hannibal Lecter - The Silence of the Lambs

It didn't matter how many women he killed/ate, all you really wanted was to see he and Clarice bone (and debone....... muahahahaha).

4. Jareth the Goblin King (as played by the incomparable David Bowie) - Labyrinth

He sings! His weiner protrudes! He kidnaps babies! I heart him.

5. The Birds - The Birds

They had no reason whatsoever to terrorize this town, except maybe to make it less lame. And the last shot of this movie is ridiculous. See it if you haven't.

Villain Shmillain.

2004-07-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

Hmm. Interesting question.

Hannibal Lecter : Anthony Hopkins : Silence of the Lambs

I kind of wish he was like, my uncle or something.

Darth Vader : James Earl Jones : Star Wars

Need I say more?

Dracula : Gary Oldman : Dracula

I <3 Gary Oldman.

General Zod : Terence Stamp : Superman II

Once again, don't judge me damnit.

KNEEL!!!

Nurse Ratched : Louise Fletcher : One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

What a bitch.

Cletus Command! Command Right Now!

2004-07-08T12:21:00.000-05:00

Are the storyboard artists not getting credit anywhere? Not even in like the size 4 font at the very end of the credits under the heading "Holy Crap Why Are You People Still in the Theater Reading This?"

And can someone please tell me how the crap to get my font smaller?

Last night I watched Raising Arizona, the second film by the Coen Brothers. Very funny. That Holly Hunter. She had me holding my belly. I just looked up a picture of the Coen Bros and I never realized how smarmy they look. (Still not as smarmy as Mr. Smarmy, but ya know, close)

Speaking of smarmy, NEW POLL! Top 5 bad guys in movies that you can't help but love and dare I say, maybe even root for (but you're really not supposed to).

GOOOOOO
(that's go.. not goo)

Fair Enough

2004-07-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

It's interesting that Mere mentioned the story arc of Spider-Man 2; I was just thinking about that.

It bothers me a little bit that the people who actually wrote these stories aren't getting credit for their work.

The storyline of Spider-Man 2 is largely based on The Amazing Spider-Man #50 (July 1967), titled "Spider-Man No More."

Selected parts of Sam Ruby's synopsis of that issue:

"The story opens as Spider-Man swings right into an office building which is being robbed by some criminals. The criminals try to shoot at Spider-Man, but to no avail, since his spider-sense and great agility aids him in dodging every single bullet. In the end, Spider-Man takes easy care of the would-be robbers, and then leaves to eventually change back into Peter Parker. Peter arrives at his apartment, and his roommate Harry Osborn has some bad news for him: His Aunt May is ill. Peter gets on his motorbike and heads to her home, where Anna Watson is taking good care of her. He leaves after awhile, then heads back to his apartment. The next day at class, Peter is still very upset about the latest news concerning his Aunt. Professor Miles Warren asks to see young Parker after class, and is warned that his grades have been steadily declining. Peter states that he is going to start buckling down on his studies, then heads on into the campus hall where he meets Gwen Stacy. Gwen asks Peter over at a get-together at her place that night, but Peter has to decline (his Aunt again), and asks for a rain-check. Peter goes home again and sees on the television that J. Jonah Jameson is continuing his campaign against Spider-Man with a vengeance, even offering a $1,000 reward for the capture of Spider-Man.

It is all falling apart for Peter now. With the recent health of his Aunt, and the public tearing-apart by the powerful newspaper editor, Peter begins to think that Spider-Man has brought him nothing but unhappiness. He walks in a steady rain, pondering his life, and then makes a decision in which he thinks is the only thing left to do in his life at the moment: He gives up being Spider-Man, and throws his costume in a garbage can...

The next day in the offices of the Daily Bugle, a young child brings Jameson the costume of Spider-Man that he left in the garbage the night before. Jameson is delighted at this discovery and gives the kid a reward (a free copy of the Daily Bugle!).

With Spider-Man out of the picture, a crime-wave hits the city, with hijackings, robberies, and other crimes.

Elsewhere, at Empire State University, Peter gives Gwen Stacy a ride on his motorbike. Peter then visits his Aunt May, with Anna and Mary Jane Watson also visiting, and there is good news: His Aunt is doing very well. He leaves again to return to his apartment and begins a long night of studying, until he hears news over the radio, that a welfare office has just been robbed. Peter is moved greatly by this news, and pops out of his couch ready for action, but then remembers his decision he made giving up being Spider-Man. The next morning, Peter asks Gwen out, but Gwen already has a date with Harry Osborn. Peter then makes another visit to his Aunt, and discovers that she and Anna are going to the movies, so she must be doing much better.

Riding away on his motorbike, Peter hears the screams of help from atop a warehouse building. Peter climbs up the side of the building, without his costume, to help the watchman of the building. He moves fast enough so that no one will recognize him, and takes out the two criminals roughing up the watchman. Later on a pier, Peter begins to realize that he reverted to what he was before his pledge on giving up being Spider-Man. He also begins to realize that the watchman reminded him of his Uncle Ben, and a little origin re-cap is played out. He understands that he can never renounce his Spider-Man identity, and he swears that he will never permit an innocent being to come to harm."

Several other things from the movie, like the scene with Doc Ock in the blindfold bandages, appear in the comics as well (though in the comic there was actually a reason for the bandages, whereas in the movie his eyes seemed fine).

This is just one example; the recent Punisher movie and the upcoming "Batman Begins" both "borrow" heavily from comic stories, as do both X-Men movies.

I'm not saying they shouldn't use stuff from the comics--that's a good idea. But just give a story credit to the people that, you know, wrote the story. And it wouldn't hurt to credit the artists for storyboards.

In fact, why not take it a step further and just have the comic writers write the screenplay? Just pair one of them with an experienced screenwriter (if that's even necessary; the current writer of Amazing Spider-Man, J. Michael Stracyznski, has been writing for TV for 20 years and created Babylon 5).

It would be sweet.

Top of the Heap, Bottom of the Barrel

2004-07-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Best Sequels:

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Fuck everyone, I like this.

Terminator 2

Despite the huge chrono-flaws, the thumb part made me cry like a baby. A baby who'd been punched.

Rocky 2-4

Rock, come over here and beat this meat.

Max Max 2: The Road Warrior

It's the pockyclypse!

Top 5 Worst Sequels:

The Matrix: Revolutions

So sad. So much potential.

Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

I know technically this is a prequel, but hey, fuck you.
Memo to George Lucas: Your audience is no longer 12 years old. Write accordingly.
Memo to Mere and Bec: This movies contains no Ali Ackbar.

Batman & Robin

Everybody freeze!

Rocky V

It's not a good idea to have a semi-revered character get brain damage.

Highlander 2: The Quickening

Huh? Zeist? What the hell? General Katana (Michael Ironside) was pretty cool, though.

Worthy second helpings and repeat offenders

2004-07-07T14:20:00.000-05:00

Bec, our lists are somewhat similar. I knew there was a reason I liked you so much.

Top 5 BEST Sequels

1. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

He chose poorly. But I did not.

2. The Empire Strikes Back

Hi, I'm Harrison Ford and I'm only mildly homosexual in this picture.

3. Terminator 2

Ahnold gives the goddamn thumbs up while he is being lowered into ridiculously hot lava. That's a cool guy.

4. The Godfather: Part 2

Interesting bit of trivia about this movie: Marlon Brando was supposed to return for a brief cameo in the flashback at the end but, because of the way Paramount treated him during the first Godfather, he declined to turn up for even a single day's shooting. And then he died.

5. Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Alright, listen you. The one scoffing in the back. Yes, I'm a bit biased. But this movie changed the series and took it back to its roots of pure horror, rather than schlocking one liners combined with an occasional killing. They give Freddy a makeover for this movie (and not the kind with curlers) and add a smart, twisted script in which Heather Locklear plays Heather Locklear and Wes Craven plays Wes Craven and Freddy plays... well, a dude who used to be in movies but is now in your...... NIGHTMAREEEEEEES.

Honorable Mention: The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers

Top 5 WORST Sequels

1. Speed 2: Cruise Control

"Someone turn this movie around!"

2. Cruel Intentions 2

This movie wasn't so much a sequel as it was a bad remake with some added T&A and an alternative ending which included some lesbian action. Wait.. and this is on my WORST sequel list? What am I thinking?

3. Blair Witch 2

Or maybe I just didn't get it.

Blank stare.

4. Weekend at Bernie's 2

Who decided that two hours worth of a watching a dead guy just wasn't enough?

5. Jaws 3

Last I checked, Sea World in Florida was nowhere near the ocean.

Oh, and sharks can't swin backwards.

Honorable craption: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Best/Worst sequels.

2004-07-07T11:36:00.000-05:00

All right, here we go.

Best 5 sequels:

The Empire Strikes Back

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Godfather: Part II

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Superman II.

I don't have to justify this. Don't you dare judge me.

Worst 5:

The Crow: City of Angels

Batman and Robin

Blair Witch II

Mortal Kombat II

Matrix Revolutions

I second the locomotion

2004-07-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

Alfred Molina was a great choice. Sequels are so tough, especially ones that follow wildly successful first films. I really wish Tobey had shagged MJ in that web though. How hot. They would've gotten all stuck to it and whatnot (because webs are sticky). Great story arc throughout ("I don't want to be Spiderman!" "Nevermind -- I have to be Spiderman!") and awesome fight scenes (I'm pretty sure that subway line doesn't actually exist though).

So speaking of good/bad sequels, what are you top 5 favorite sequels of all time and top 5 least favorite sequels of all time?

First post!

2004-07-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

I hate it when sequels are disappointing. So, after seeing Spiderman 2 for the second time last night, I'm relieved. Alfred Molina was a great choice, and the Alex Ross art in the opening credits was a very nice touch.

T-minus 24 days until The Village.

Intro to This

2004-07-05T19:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome, friends. I'm not sure how this is going to work exactly. I figure we can just like randomly post our thoughts on movies or shows we're watching, want to watch, trailers, etc. And we can randomly poll eachother for our top 10 favorite WHATEVER'S. (i.e. Top Ten Rick Moranis Movies) Was he even in 10 movies?